Today has not been the greatest day in the world. i have felt done and out AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL DAY. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just make all of it go away.

I wish that everything could just go back to the way they were. I wish this MONSTER inside of me would Shut The Fuck Up. It's telling me to do something that I may or may not want to do. It is telling me how to solve all of my problems. I know that it may not necessarily be the solution to my problems, and it's definitely an option. I just wish that I wouldn't dwell on it so much.

I wish it would go away.

Why can't everything just be Hunky-dorie? Wait, did I just say Huny-dorie? ......... I AM fucked in the head.

I just hope that everything turns out okay.

Wish me luck.

x05x21x08x

okay........ What the hell can I say?

Since my last post, my life has changed. Since my last post, I've sent a 3yr. old to the hospital, been to jail and wrote a Suicide Letter. Doesn't that sound awesome??? :)

I have made the ultimate mistake. I am in a such a terrible position. I love Ginny and the kids. But I can no longer see the kids. I will eventually have to move out. I don't want to, but I'll have to.

I am in such a fragile state. There is a demon inside of me. It is telling me how to "solve" all of my problems. I know that that is not the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have given much thought to it, but unfortunately I cannot say that i will NOT consider it again. I continue to think about it. I'm thinking about it right now. I have planned out what I would do............ numerous times. There have been 2 times where I have come very close to saying, " FUCK IT " and just going and doing it. But there is a very good reason that I have not......... Ginny

She means sooooooooooo much to me. The first time I didn't do it was because she needed help. She was feeling very suicidal too. I ended up calling her after I wrote the Suiced Letter. She said that she was ready to get the help she so desperately needed. WE got her that help. We took her to Sharp Chula Vista and she tried to kill herself.......... AT THE HOSPITAL!!!!! She took about 10 Prozac in the bathroom and didn't tell anyone for about 10 minutes. It scared the hell out of her and certainly scared the fuck out of me. She was then transferred to Sharp Grossmont Behavioral Health Center. Basically........... The Pysch Ward. I visited her there. It was certainly an experience. There were a few interesting people there.

She is doin much better now. There is going to be a custodyh issue with her kids. This is the worst part about the whole situation. I don't want her to lose her kids. I feel so bad about it.

I will continue this update at another time.

x03x25x08x

FUCK IT, I"M GOING TO THE GYM EVERY FUCKING DAY

x03x11x08x

Soooooooooooooooo, I had my intervies yesterday for Management. It went very well. I'm not sure of the exact number of people who applied, but I do know that it was a very small amount. The only other person who know applied, was in the intervies fro about 45-50 minutes. I was in there for about 20. I have gone through the interview once vefore so I went in very preparred. I hope that I get a promotion. I would be an amazing oopurtunity.

On the other hand, if I do not get promoted, then that leaves the door open for other oppurtunities. I do not think that I will apply again any time soon. It'll bum me out to have to leave here, but if i don't get a promotion, I'm outta here. I'm gonna start looking elsewhere. I'm gotten a few interview proposals from ohter companies, all of which I have turned down. I should have, at least, called them back to see if it was worth my time.

I;m going to the gym tonight. YOGA. It is so relaxing and I think it will help my back out alot. I kinda threw it out on Sunday. I need to go to the gym EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Lost is driving me crazy. I think I know who Ben's guy is on the freightter. I think it is Michael. We'll see if I'm right very soon.

That's it for now. Until next time..... Tey voy a esonar a curear

x03x05x08x

So, there’s gonna be a chance that I will be able to apply to be a manger @ work. I know I was talking all that shit about not wanting to be here anymore and blah, blah, blah. If I apply and don’t get it, or if I can’t apply I’m gonna start to look somewhere else. I filled out a resume for Monster.com. I think tonight I’m gonna start looking.
I think it would be cool to be a manager @ The Home Depot.

I just hope that something can turn around in my life. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. Part of my problem is lack of self-respect. I said last week that I was going to start looking for work somewhere else. The only thing I’ve done was create a resume on Monster.com/ I didn’t look into the Sheriff’s thing and I didn’t look into the Military thing.

I don’t know what my problem is. Yesterday, when I was @ work, I told myself that either when I got home, or when the boys were asleep, I was gonna clean the apartment. Did that happen? NOPE. Instead, I fell asleep reading Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. Right now, when I get home, later, I want to clean. But it probably won’t happen. Why? Because I know that I have the TV, video games, books, there @ my disposal. This sounds stupid, but I have to be strong. I know that the apartment is filthy. It needs a lot of cleaning. I just have to go home and fucking do it.

I just wish that I would stop saying one thing and doing another. Why can’t I just commit to doing whatever it is I was gonna do? I guess I’ve been like that my whole life! Procrastinating until the something has to be done. Sometimes I’ll procrastinate so long that it’s too late. I’m tired of doing late. That is the reason why I didn’t get the Dispatching job. I’m such an idiot. I wanna be a better person. I have the desire to do so, but not the willpower. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!!!

That’s fucking it for now. Until next time…. Fuck it!!!!

x02x29x08x

You know what? I'm fucking tired of doing what I'm doing. I'm fucking tired of the daily grind. It's time for a god damn change. That's it man, Game Over. I am soooooooooooooo tired of working where I work. I am tired of not being able to provide for my family the way I need to.

Starting next week, the search is on. The first two places I am looking to is The San Diego County Sheriff's Deapartment and The United States Navy.

I think that either career chioce is a great one. My biggest 2 hurdles for either one is my weight and my vision. I have a weight issue and a vision issue. I plan on taking care of both of them. I can no longer continue to do what I do. I'm better than this.

I am going to focus on losing weight in a way I didn't think possible. I am gonna try to go to the gym everyday possible. I am so ready to be fit. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being ugly and stupid. I ...................... so fucking frustrated. I don't like myslef right now. I haven't in a while!

I have no self-respect. I have no self-control when it comes to junk food. I'm tired of being tempted by shitty food. I need to start eating right and having more control. I wish that I hadn't been so lazy for the past 8 years. Then I wouldn't be so fat and stupid and lazy.

You know, everyone has issues. Most people express them freely. Me..... I bottle it in until I can't take it. I don't wanna be a big fat stupid idiot anymore. I'd like to make a contribution to society. I don't want to be a sheep anymore. I don't want to do the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I NEED A CHANGE. I NEED SOMETHING NEW. I'M TIRED, I'M SUFFOCATING. I can't do it anymore.

I was meant to do something different. The law Enforcement thing was something I wanted to do 5 years. I went through the Police Academy in 2003. Shortly after the academy, I lost interest in working in law enforcement. I realize now, how STUPID I was for not pursuing a career in Law Enforcement. What I didn't realize is that just because I went through the POLICE ACADEMY, that didn't mean that my only choice was to become a COP. I WAS SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!! It's something that I've really regained interest in. I ROYALLY FUCKED MYSELF for blowing a great oppurtunity with the SD Sheriff's Radio Dispatching Program. I blew the Backgroung Interview and slit my own throat for the next 9 months.

The Military is another thing that I would like to look into. I would've already joined about 10 months ago, had I been the appropriate weight. Once agian, my weight issue has affected my life.

10 months ago, I wanted to get the hell out of San Diego. I still do, in a sense that, I want to see the world. I want to visit another country, another continent. I still have a desire to, at least, look into the Military thing. Whether it's Active Duty ot Reservres.

The only problem with the Military thing, is if I were to join and get stationed in a place other than San Diego, i wouldn't be able to be with Ginny. I would NEVER, EVER ask her to move away from her kids. I couldn't do that. I'm not that kind of guy. I couldn't pull her away from the kids. Family has to come before anything.

So the Military may not be a thing that'll happen, but I still would like to look into it.

I just have to get out of the Call Center. I can't take it here anymore. I'm going crazy. The ONLY thing stopping me from going home right now is the fact that my attendance is not good for this month and I don't want to be counselled on it. I wish i didn't have to take this job so seriously. People act like this is the most important place in the world to work. STUPID!!!!

I need something NEW. Something more challenging. I can't keep working here! The job is okay, but the people and the rules and the politics are going to frive me clinically insanse. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I JUST WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. i WISH I COULD LEAVE. I CAN'T WAIT TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS PLACE. The only good thing is that I ge to work with my Uncle and my Pops. Other then that, FUCK IT!!

I''m so fed up with this place. Just look at how much I have written about it. I WANT OUT. I want to break free of the Home Depot chains.

That's it for now. Until next time..... A.D.I.D.A.S. ( All Day I Dream About Sex )

x02x29x08x

Today is Leap Year it's pretty cool, I guess.

GOD DAMNIT. I work with a fucking MORON. I work with the stupidest fucking human being in the entire world. I can't stand it anymore. I just wish she would get fired or quit. I don't want to change departments because I like ti over here. But GOD DAMNIT this shit fuckin sucks.
She babells on constantly about random bullshit. Sometimes, she is talking to herself and sometimes I can't even tell who the fuck she is talking too. I can't wait for her to be gone. Actually, now that I think about it, I work with a bunch of stupid fuckin people.

I wish I could just ignore everyone all day long. My day would go by much smoother. We got a guy here who just sits @ his desk and does his work and doesn't bother anyone. Somedays, I wish I could do that. But, not to toot my own horn, I am the guy that has a lot of answers and everybody knows that. That means that people are constantly asking me questions and stuff like that. Somedays I wish i could just put up a sign that says, "SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME". Of course, if I did that, I'd be fired. Damnit

It also sucks that I work in a position where i cannot get promoted. It sucks. My manager wants me to appl for the Team Lead position in our department. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. What really sucks, is that I can't!!!!!! :(
The situation that my girlfriend and I are in, won't allow to become a supervsor. The schedules will be conflicting and we have to be able to pick up the kids on time.

On the flipside, there is something that I have to speak to Ginny about. She is always talking about how GREAT Cox is. I AM VERY PROUD of her for getting that job. It's a great place to work. What bothers me a little, is that she is talking about wanting to become a supervisor. We really need to talk about it because she wants to become a supervisor and has expressed interest in applying for it when she can...... Does that make me chopped liver? Why should she be able to apply, when I cannot? I am in a position to have the chance to be promoted and i really want to. But I can't because of the kids. Now, if we are in the exact same situation we are in now, by the time she is ready to apply, and she does apply, how is that fair?

I understand her passion and desire to move up in the company!! I have the same thing. I don't neccassirly see myself working for The Home Depot forever, but a promotion will really stack my resume up!!!

I guess it won't do any good just writing about it. I need to talk to her about it. I intend on doing so sometime soon.

That's it for now. Until next time..... I luh u mama

x02x22x08x

I had to write this down. I'm at work right now and am on the phone with a customer who is a gigantic asshole. He thinks he is the biggest Mr. Know-It-All. I hate people like this. He is trying to tell me how Home Depot should run their business. Fuck these stupid fucking idiots.

I hate stupid people. Sometimes these people do make valid points but go about them in the wrong way. They have to call up businesses and tell that business how the business," Should be running things". It makes no sense.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!

Now that that's out of the way... On to good stuff... I guess. I have to work this weekend and that sux. I was totally looking forward to being able to wake up next to my baby at no particular time of the day and lounge in bed until we decided to get our asses up. Now that'll have to wait for 2 weeks. Damnit. Oh Well.

That's it for now. Until next time..... Mama lookatme

x02x22x08x

It's raining today. I love the rain. It is my second favorite type of weather. I wish I can go outside and write. I love being outside in the rain. It is very soothing and relaxing. We have a Rainfall Sounds CD. The damn thing puts me to sleep all the time. It's awesome. The only downfall to the rain is that San Diegans can't drive in the rain. They cause too many accidents. It's sooooooooo stupid. One time in my life, I would like to visit the Rainforest and experience the rainfall there. I bet it is completely different.

I love reading and writing. I really do. I wish I were a better writer though. Everytime I come up with an idea that sounds really cool and interesting, I get writer's block. The 3 stories I have rolling around in my head, I feel, are pretty good. It's just, everytime I try to pick them back up, I get stuck. The first time the idea comes to me, it floods in uncontrollably. And then, later on, when I go to add more to it, I freeze.

LOST is driving everyone crazy again. I can't wait to find out just what the hell is going on!!! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Aaron, Claire's baby, is now calling Kate, "MOMMY". What the Fuck Man? The show is driving me clinically insane.

That's it for now. Until next time...... I'm Ron Burgandy???

x01x21x08x

Iron Maiden was fucking awesome. With the exception of a few technical problems with microphones and a boring warm-up band, the concert was INCREDIBLE.

Have you ever had that Asshole of a Manager @ work? I have one and he's a big piece of shit. I said hi to the guy this morning as we were passing in the hallway. He looked up @ me and just went about his business. FUCKER. He wouldn't say hi to me. Not that I want him to, but it's pretty considerate to do so, especially in the workplace.

I've been going to the gym lately. Everytime I watch The Biggest Loser, all I want to afterward is WORKOUT. I'm tired of being FAT. I hate they way I look. I can't wait to look better.

It's almost Baseball Season. Fucking Eggs Bacon.

That's it for now. Until Next time..... If you're gonna die, Die With Your Boots On

x02x17x08x

Me and my stories. If you read below you will find ot that I have a couple of story ideas rolling around in my head that I can't get out.
Well Another one popped in my head on Friday that is actually pretty dark. It's about a man who writed himself a letter explaining why he has to kill himslef. Set in the 15th century, a man is faced with many, many murders that he has committed. He does not know why he has done these crimes or why they continue to happen or why he has no knowledge of them happening until they are over with.

An excerpt:

I have killed again and again with no knowledge of why or how. Everyone that ever gets close to me ends up six feet under. I wish I did not have to commit these murders. It may have all started the night I killed my father. He went crazy one night and killed my mom and 2 sisters. Than he came for me. I headr him kill my family and knew that i was next. I was ready for him. He did not know that I was expecting him. When he came into my room. I slit his throat with the greatest of ease. There is something I still cannot eplain. I seemed to enjoy it. I obtained a euphoric state. It was like a beast was awakened in me.

It's something I hope i can expand upon.

That's it for now. Until next time..... The Evil The Men Do lives on and on

x02x17x08x

My heart beats for you. It's only purpose,

it's only desire is to create life so I can be with you.

In the morning, it wakes me up

next to you.

It lets me know that you're still there.

When my heart has run it's course,

it will beat once more for you.

When it has stpped completely,

it will beat one last beat for you.

Creating peace in my soul.

This weekend has been great. Got alot done. We cleaned most of the apartment. Daniel and I went to the Build a Bear and got Ginny her first Build A Bear. There, you can build a bear, or any various other animal. I let Daniel choose what to create. He chose a bear. I also let him record the sound we put into the bear. It says," I love You Mama". It is in Daniel's voice. I'm oretty sure Ginny loves the bear. It's name is Mojo.

2 more days until Iron Maiden. I can't wait. I'm so pumped.

I spent a lot of money this weekend. More than I wanted to, but oh well. We got a lot of stuff done. I have Monday and Tuesday off. Monday is because the kids have no day care and Tuesday because of Maiden.

That's it for now. Until next time..... Hallowed Be Thy Name ( best Iron Maiden song )

x02x14x08x

I wish I was able to apply my creativity and imagination to reality. I have had so many ides to either write or draw or play that, for some reason, I cannot get out. It's a beast that is trapped inside me. One day, the beast will find out how to fly. It'll also figure out how to ignite the flame it has in it's heart. When it does, the beast will be unstoppable. i have 2 songs, 2 stories, and a plethora of drawings that I can't get out of me.

The 2 stories are what I'm most excited about, yet everytime I try to release them, I fail. I either become bored/distracted, or I draw a blank in the writing process. I think I can see myself, in the not distant future, taking a creative writing class. I think that is the spark that will ignite the flame in the beast's heart.

One of the stories is about an Angel. She doesn't know that she is an angel until she meets an angel sent down from heaven to bring her back. The two of them are captured by the FBI for testing and experimentaion. Another angel attempts to save them but is thwarted by a rogue angel who has Damien on his side. Damien, the son of the devil. There is a lot of action of death.

The other story is about Faith, Honor, Devotion, Love, Integrity and Hatred. Set in Medieval Times, Zadine; a night in the King's Army must face his toughedt challenge yet. The love of his life has been betrayed by her guardsman, Horizon Longhearth, and is taken to Firaga. It's a very cool story idea, that I love.

Who knows, maybe one day, you might see my name on the Best Selling Authors List.

That's it for now. Until next time..... Can't think of anything to say. FUCK IT

x02x14x08x

Iced Earth is my all-time favorite band. The are amazing. I have an Iced Earth Tattoo on the back of my right forearm. This tattooo is of this character; a Setian named Set Abominae.

They are so full of passion and aggresion. It's the perfect blend of heart, melody and madness. I feel like I have a special bond with this band. The sound, to me, is intoxicating. I hear it and get lost in the world this is Iced Earth.

Jon Schaffer is the creator/leader/owner of the band and has a mind like no other. With the exception of, basically, treating his bandmates like employees, he's an amazing person and musicin. His sound is like no other. He grew up playing his own tunes, not covers. That's what sets him apart from the rest.

Iced Earth has gotten me through some hard times. There have been times where I was Uber-pissed at something and I would get into my car to take a drive. I would throw on Iced Earth and wash all my worries about. I would get so pumped listening to them. It's almost euphoric.

Another band that is nery special to me is none other than Iron Maiden. The are, arguably, the best Rock/Metal band EVER.

I love these guys. I am going to see them in 4 days in LA with my uncle.

There last 3 albums are my 3 favorite.

There is too much to write here to explain all my feelings about Iron Maiden.

\m/ \m/

That's it for now. Until next time..... If I ever draw my sword on you. May the good lord strike me dead.

x02x14x08x

I finally figured out how to get page layouts for my Blogger Spot. Man I'm stupid. Sometimes I feel like Mikey from The Mikey Show. He sometimes has the hardest time understanding the simplest of things. So do I. :(

It's raining now. I love the rain. I wanna go outside right now with a notepad, pen, and my guitar and figure out that song My Uncle and I have been trying to writre. It's a song he started for his late-brother Greg. I jumped in a wrote a couple of lines for it. I've been trying to figure out lyrics for it. I've never written lyrics for a song before so this'll be challenging. I've been tinkering around with lyrics and, so far, have only come up with line. I think it's a good opening line.

That's it for now. Until next time..... For the Horde

x02x14x08x

It's Valentine's Day today. WOO HOO. I wish I could've gotten Ginny something better than I did. I got what I could get though. I'm thinking of, tomorrow, taking Daniel and CJ to Build-A-Bear and getting her a Build-A-Bear. Don't know yet.

Gotta get back to work.

That's it for now. Until next time...... Shotgun shells are bad for your health

x02x13x08x

I never thought that there would come a day where I would have a journal, let alone an online journal. WEIRD

**********

So, Tegan's birthday is coming up. She's gonna be 2. She's so awesome.

**********

I'm soooooo pumped for Baseball. I wanna go to a FEW games this year. I will. Ginny and I are gonna go to a few. Also, I take my dad for a few. It's a special thing, for me, when my dad and I go to games. It takes me back to my childhood when we would coach my baseball teams. He knows soooo much about sports. He's great. I love being able to go to Padres' games with him.

**********

I'm working right now, but don't tell my boss; Wendy. I'm not supposed to be on the internet for non-work related stuff. I switched departments about 4.5-5 months ago. Right now though, I'm doing work for my old department. I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS FOR A LITTLE OVER 2 YEARS. What the hell was I thinking. The IRA dept is sooooooooo much better than the SDC dept. There are people here who've been doing this for nearly 10 years. HOLY SHIT!!! Crazy. My dad and uncle are 2 of the people that have been doing it for almost 10 years. WOW

**********

Oh, and another quick little tid bit, just in case you were wondering. I don't give a fuck who wins the Presidential Election!! For some reason, I never really cared about politics and presidency. Don't know why!!!

**********

That's it for now. Until next time..... Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

x02x13x08x

This is Hawthorne. Who is this? We have Agent Hawk. He's dead..... too bad.

6 more days until Iron Maiden. Can't fuckin' wait. I do feel bad though. Tegan and Sara is coming to Pomona and we can't go. 1) it's sold out, 2) we both would have to work. There's always next time. I really want Ginnyto be able to see Tegan And Sara. I wanna see em' too. They're pretty damn good.

There's this jackhole on The Mikey Show right now talking all sorts of shit. What a fuckin moron. Why is the world full of so many morons???

That's it for now. Until next time..... Love you. I'm out

x02x12x08x

Why am I lazy? Why can't I get up off of my ass and clean my apartment? Why do I have to wait until the shit gets out of control before I go, "Damn, look at this place!!! It looks terrible"??? It sucks that I don't keep the apartment vlean at all times. I'm going to try to keep things clean all the time.

Another thing. I don't know how to ask Ginny if we can have a time out of the night where we just read. I like to read. I really do. I've normally been getting to work early so I can read my book. I don't really have much time at night. We're either @ Pool, Bowling, Karaoke, or watching tv. I wish i could be able to say, "Baby, I'd like to have reading time, or a time where I/We can just read". I might try it. I don't know.

Just wanted to get that out.

That's it for now. Until next time..... Follow the Yellow Brick Road

x02x12x08x

Hawk. We need you to activate your transponder key. Without it, we can possibly find out where you are. The building you are in, is 43 floors. We don't know where to look. HURRY

I need help. I need motivation to lose weight and drag my ass to the gym. I really want to look into joining the Military. I finally ran in by Ginny and she was very supportive. I think that that might be our solution to everything. My dad told me that the Reserves don't get all of the benfits that Active Duty do. I don't know aboui that though. I gotta check.

Baseball season is starting again. I really love basebal, and can't wait to go to Padres games. I played Baseball all through my childhood and can't wait for Baseball season to start.

7 more days till IRON MAIDEN!!!! Damn I can't wait. It's gonna be soooooo cool to see the Somewhere Back In Time Tour. AWESOME

That's it for now. Until next time..... Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering ~ Yoda