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okay........ What the hell can I say?

Since my last post, my life has changed. Since my last post, I've sent a 3yr. old to the hospital, been to jail and wrote a Suicide Letter. Doesn't that sound awesome??? :)

I have made the ultimate mistake. I am in a such a terrible position. I love Ginny and the kids. But I can no longer see the kids. I will eventually have to move out. I don't want to, but I'll have to.

I am in such a fragile state. There is a demon inside of me. It is telling me how to "solve" all of my problems. I know that that is not the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have given much thought to it, but unfortunately I cannot say that i will NOT consider it again. I continue to think about it. I'm thinking about it right now. I have planned out what I would do............ numerous times. There have been 2 times where I have come very close to saying, " FUCK IT " and just going and doing it. But there is a very good reason that I have not......... Ginny

She means sooooooooooo much to me. The first time I didn't do it was because she needed help. She was feeling very suicidal too. I ended up calling her after I wrote the Suiced Letter. She said that she was ready to get the help she so desperately needed. WE got her that help. We took her to Sharp Chula Vista and she tried to kill herself.......... AT THE HOSPITAL!!!!! She took about 10 Prozac in the bathroom and didn't tell anyone for about 10 minutes. It scared the hell out of her and certainly scared the fuck out of me. She was then transferred to Sharp Grossmont Behavioral Health Center. Basically........... The Pysch Ward. I visited her there. It was certainly an experience. There were a few interesting people there.

She is doin much better now. There is going to be a custodyh issue with her kids. This is the worst part about the whole situation. I don't want her to lose her kids. I feel so bad about it.

I will continue this update at another time.