Today has not been the greatest day in the world. i have felt done and out AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL DAY. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just make all of it go away.

I wish that everything could just go back to the way they were. I wish this MONSTER inside of me would Shut The Fuck Up. It's telling me to do something that I may or may not want to do. It is telling me how to solve all of my problems. I know that it may not necessarily be the solution to my problems, and it's definitely an option. I just wish that I wouldn't dwell on it so much.

I wish it would go away.

Why can't everything just be Hunky-dorie? Wait, did I just say Huny-dorie? ......... I AM fucked in the head.

I just hope that everything turns out okay.

Wish me luck.

x05x21x08x

okay........ What the hell can I say?

Since my last post, my life has changed. Since my last post, I've sent a 3yr. old to the hospital, been to jail and wrote a Suicide Letter. Doesn't that sound awesome??? :)

I have made the ultimate mistake. I am in a such a terrible position. I love Ginny and the kids. But I can no longer see the kids. I will eventually have to move out. I don't want to, but I'll have to.

I am in such a fragile state. There is a demon inside of me. It is telling me how to "solve" all of my problems. I know that that is not the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have given much thought to it, but unfortunately I cannot say that i will NOT consider it again. I continue to think about it. I'm thinking about it right now. I have planned out what I would do............ numerous times. There have been 2 times where I have come very close to saying, " FUCK IT " and just going and doing it. But there is a very good reason that I have not......... Ginny

She means sooooooooooo much to me. The first time I didn't do it was because she needed help. She was feeling very suicidal too. I ended up calling her after I wrote the Suiced Letter. She said that she was ready to get the help she so desperately needed. WE got her that help. We took her to Sharp Chula Vista and she tried to kill herself.......... AT THE HOSPITAL!!!!! She took about 10 Prozac in the bathroom and didn't tell anyone for about 10 minutes. It scared the hell out of her and certainly scared the fuck out of me. She was then transferred to Sharp Grossmont Behavioral Health Center. Basically........... The Pysch Ward. I visited her there. It was certainly an experience. There were a few interesting people there.

She is doin much better now. There is going to be a custodyh issue with her kids. This is the worst part about the whole situation. I don't want her to lose her kids. I feel so bad about it.

I will continue this update at another time.

x03x25x08x

FUCK IT, I"M GOING TO THE GYM EVERY FUCKING DAY

x03x11x08x

Soooooooooooooooo, I had my intervies yesterday for Management. It went very well. I'm not sure of the exact number of people who applied, but I do know that it was a very small amount. The only other person who know applied, was in the intervies fro about 45-50 minutes. I was in there for about 20. I have gone through the interview once vefore so I went in very preparred. I hope that I get a promotion. I would be an amazing oopurtunity.

On the other hand, if I do not get promoted, then that leaves the door open for other oppurtunities. I do not think that I will apply again any time soon. It'll bum me out to have to leave here, but if i don't get a promotion, I'm outta here. I'm gonna start looking elsewhere. I'm gotten a few interview proposals from ohter companies, all of which I have turned down. I should have, at least, called them back to see if it was worth my time.

I;m going to the gym tonight. YOGA. It is so relaxing and I think it will help my back out alot. I kinda threw it out on Sunday. I need to go to the gym EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Lost is driving me crazy. I think I know who Ben's guy is on the freightter. I think it is Michael. We'll see if I'm right very soon.

That's it for now. Until next time..... Tey voy a esonar a curear

x03x05x08x

So, there’s gonna be a chance that I will be able to apply to be a manger @ work. I know I was talking all that shit about not wanting to be here anymore and blah, blah, blah. If I apply and don’t get it, or if I can’t apply I’m gonna start to look somewhere else. I filled out a resume for Monster.com. I think tonight I’m gonna start looking.
I think it would be cool to be a manager @ The Home Depot.

I just hope that something can turn around in my life. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. Part of my problem is lack of self-respect. I said last week that I was going to start looking for work somewhere else. The only thing I’ve done was create a resume on Monster.com/ I didn’t look into the Sheriff’s thing and I didn’t look into the Military thing.

I don’t know what my problem is. Yesterday, when I was @ work, I told myself that either when I got home, or when the boys were asleep, I was gonna clean the apartment. Did that happen? NOPE. Instead, I fell asleep reading Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. Right now, when I get home, later, I want to clean. But it probably won’t happen. Why? Because I know that I have the TV, video games, books, there @ my disposal. This sounds stupid, but I have to be strong. I know that the apartment is filthy. It needs a lot of cleaning. I just have to go home and fucking do it.

I just wish that I would stop saying one thing and doing another. Why can’t I just commit to doing whatever it is I was gonna do? I guess I’ve been like that my whole life! Procrastinating until the something has to be done. Sometimes I’ll procrastinate so long that it’s too late. I’m tired of doing late. That is the reason why I didn’t get the Dispatching job. I’m such an idiot. I wanna be a better person. I have the desire to do so, but not the willpower. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!!!!!

That’s fucking it for now. Until next time…. Fuck it!!!!

x02x29x08x

You know what? I'm fucking tired of doing what I'm doing. I'm fucking tired of the daily grind. It's time for a god damn change. That's it man, Game Over. I am soooooooooooooo tired of working where I work. I am tired of not being able to provide for my family the way I need to.

Starting next week, the search is on. The first two places I am looking to is The San Diego County Sheriff's Deapartment and The United States Navy.

I think that either career chioce is a great one. My biggest 2 hurdles for either one is my weight and my vision. I have a weight issue and a vision issue. I plan on taking care of both of them. I can no longer continue to do what I do. I'm better than this.

I am going to focus on losing weight in a way I didn't think possible. I am gonna try to go to the gym everyday possible. I am so ready to be fit. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of being ugly and stupid. I ...................... so fucking frustrated. I don't like myslef right now. I haven't in a while!

I have no self-respect. I have no self-control when it comes to junk food. I'm tired of being tempted by shitty food. I need to start eating right and having more control. I wish that I hadn't been so lazy for the past 8 years. Then I wouldn't be so fat and stupid and lazy.

You know, everyone has issues. Most people express them freely. Me..... I bottle it in until I can't take it. I don't wanna be a big fat stupid idiot anymore. I'd like to make a contribution to society. I don't want to be a sheep anymore. I don't want to do the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I NEED A CHANGE. I NEED SOMETHING NEW. I'M TIRED, I'M SUFFOCATING. I can't do it anymore.

I was meant to do something different. The law Enforcement thing was something I wanted to do 5 years. I went through the Police Academy in 2003. Shortly after the academy, I lost interest in working in law enforcement. I realize now, how STUPID I was for not pursuing a career in Law Enforcement. What I didn't realize is that just because I went through the POLICE ACADEMY, that didn't mean that my only choice was to become a COP. I WAS SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!! It's something that I've really regained interest in. I ROYALLY FUCKED MYSELF for blowing a great oppurtunity with the SD Sheriff's Radio Dispatching Program. I blew the Backgroung Interview and slit my own throat for the next 9 months.

The Military is another thing that I would like to look into. I would've already joined about 10 months ago, had I been the appropriate weight. Once agian, my weight issue has affected my life.

10 months ago, I wanted to get the hell out of San Diego. I still do, in a sense that, I want to see the world. I want to visit another country, another continent. I still have a desire to, at least, look into the Military thing. Whether it's Active Duty ot Reservres.

The only problem with the Military thing, is if I were to join and get stationed in a place other than San Diego, i wouldn't be able to be with Ginny. I would NEVER, EVER ask her to move away from her kids. I couldn't do that. I'm not that kind of guy. I couldn't pull her away from the kids. Family has to come before anything.

So the Military may not be a thing that'll happen, but I still would like to look into it.

I just have to get out of the Call Center. I can't take it here anymore. I'm going crazy. The ONLY thing stopping me from going home right now is the fact that my attendance is not good for this month and I don't want to be counselled on it. I wish i didn't have to take this job so seriously. People act like this is the most important place in the world to work. STUPID!!!!

I need something NEW. Something more challenging. I can't keep working here! The job is okay, but the people and the rules and the politics are going to frive me clinically insanse. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I JUST WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. i WISH I COULD LEAVE. I CAN'T WAIT TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS PLACE. The only good thing is that I ge to work with my Uncle and my Pops. Other then that, FUCK IT!!

I''m so fed up with this place. Just look at how much I have written about it. I WANT OUT. I want to break free of the Home Depot chains.

That's it for now. Until next time..... A.D.I.D.A.S. ( All Day I Dream About Sex )

x02x29x08x

Today is Leap Year it's pretty cool, I guess.

GOD DAMNIT. I work with a fucking MORON. I work with the stupidest fucking human being in the entire world. I can't stand it anymore. I just wish she would get fired or quit. I don't want to change departments because I like ti over here. But GOD DAMNIT this shit fuckin sucks.
She babells on constantly about random bullshit. Sometimes, she is talking to herself and sometimes I can't even tell who the fuck she is talking too. I can't wait for her to be gone. Actually, now that I think about it, I work with a bunch of stupid fuckin people.

I wish I could just ignore everyone all day long. My day would go by much smoother. We got a guy here who just sits @ his desk and does his work and doesn't bother anyone. Somedays, I wish I could do that. But, not to toot my own horn, I am the guy that has a lot of answers and everybody knows that. That means that people are constantly asking me questions and stuff like that. Somedays I wish i could just put up a sign that says, "SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME". Of course, if I did that, I'd be fired. Damnit

It also sucks that I work in a position where i cannot get promoted. It sucks. My manager wants me to appl for the Team Lead position in our department. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. What really sucks, is that I can't!!!!!! :(
The situation that my girlfriend and I are in, won't allow to become a supervsor. The schedules will be conflicting and we have to be able to pick up the kids on time.

On the flipside, there is something that I have to speak to Ginny about. She is always talking about how GREAT Cox is. I AM VERY PROUD of her for getting that job. It's a great place to work. What bothers me a little, is that she is talking about wanting to become a supervisor. We really need to talk about it because she wants to become a supervisor and has expressed interest in applying for it when she can...... Does that make me chopped liver? Why should she be able to apply, when I cannot? I am in a position to have the chance to be promoted and i really want to. But I can't because of the kids. Now, if we are in the exact same situation we are in now, by the time she is ready to apply, and she does apply, how is that fair?

I understand her passion and desire to move up in the company!! I have the same thing. I don't neccassirly see myself working for The Home Depot forever, but a promotion will really stack my resume up!!!

I guess it won't do any good just writing about it. I need to talk to her about it. I intend on doing so sometime soon.

That's it for now. Until next time..... I luh u mama